Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize