At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
