I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
