Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
