oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
