im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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