i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
