I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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