Please, let me fuck your mom
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
