did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
