Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
