i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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