Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
