whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
