I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I will pee on everything he values.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
