i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
