you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
