Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
