My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
