I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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