Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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