Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
