Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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