the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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