So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
