I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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