i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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