I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
