I just pynch a tree in the face
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
