maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
