I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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