woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
