I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
