A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
