i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
