when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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