why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
