Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
