two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
