I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
