MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize