i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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