I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
