She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
