So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
