I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
