My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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