meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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