I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
