Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
