update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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