wanna go halves on a baby?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
