just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
