i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize