Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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