I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
