I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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