Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
