Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize